Break Up Advice better than “Just Accept It”, “No Contact”, and “Find Yourself”
The majority of break up advice that can be found on the internet via a simple Google search contains similar elements of tips that work, but are often very simplified with little to no explanations or actionable steps. This article breaks down some of the most common break up advice into simple, actionable tactics anyone can implement right now.
After my four-year relationship unexpectedly ended, I was devastated. I strived to do whatever I could in my power to heal from my hurt. I turned to Google and spent months researching theories, strategies, and advice that claimed to provide the magic solution for healing. I dived in head-first into the self-work and DIY-ed all of the different strategies you commonly hear. I was picking up new hobbies, exercising, rejuvenating old friendships — everything they tell you to do. I still felt a deep sense of emptiness like something was missing from the formula. I realized that I needed to break it down a bit more into more actionable steps.
I am writing this article to help people break down some of the common advice we hear to heal from a hard break up into actionable strategies that anyone can follow and understand.
Before you are ready for your healing process, take time to grieve your loss. This is important because your healing will not bloom if you haven’t worked through the emotions associated with ending this chapter of your life.
Look at the old pictures, think about the good times, cry, be angry, scream, plead, and let all of your emotions flow. Write down what you feel because it helps get your emotions out faster and will help you better understand what you are feeling. I made the mistake of not doing this before healing which resulted in ruminating thoughts to my past while I was trying to heal. You must process and accept your break up first. If you have unanswered questions or hidden wounds, those will creep back up and hinder your healing.
Give yourself a reasonable timeframe for this process, but the goal is to get to the point of closure as soon as possible. Think of how much time you truly need and set a specific goal to “end” your grieving process. I can’t tell you how to budget your time here. What I can say is that you will have to create that timeline for yourself. Everything does not need to feel certain and wrapped into a perfect box to send off right now. Be ok with that, too.
The “closure” you create is where you will begin your healing journey.
“Just Accept It”
You must fully accept your new reality in a healthy way. You can’t ponder the should have, could have, or would have.
The worst habit to feed in your healing journey is wonder. You must rid yourself of wondering what could have been. Accept your reality: the relationship has ended. It does not matter why, how, if, or when. The only thing that matters is that it ended.
Actionable Tactics
Grieve your loss
Accept your new reality without judgement by avoiding “it was all my fault” thought patterns.
Define and make a list of what specifically worked and what didn’t.
Tell yourself that you are taking a “break” from this person.
Be mindful and present
Embrace everything you do from waking up, brushing your teeth, making your bed, traveling to work, cooking dinner and so on. Mindfulness in simple daily activities will help turn your attention to your present.
Make meaning
Make meaning for yourself instead of blindly doing things. Instead of thinking about “healing” and “changing” write down SPECIFICALLY what those words will mean to you.
It is mostly about reminding yourself and discovering what you personally want/need in life and how to get there in the BEST way possible. It is important to avoid allowing your EX to control your narrative. You are the only one that can do that for yourself.
“No Contact”
Allow your brain deplete memories of this person as it is necessary to be able to think clearly about what is right for you.
It took me a long time to actually believe no contact will help me for the better. I used to hold a “I do what my heart tells me” attitude and continually kept communicating with my EX. I also lived with my EX and spent way too much time exchanging stuff. Do not follow my lead here.
Actionable Tactics
As soon as you break up, do whatever you need to remove yourself from their life as quick as possible for your personal situation. Do not let the break up linger. Go full no contact.
Exchange Personal Items
Walk around your shared space and gather any items that belong to them. Put them in a box and set up a time to give that stuff back. Agree on a contact plan if you MUST talk to them after and stick to it (for situations with kids or shared assets etc.)
Set boundaries
Let them know you need time for yourself and will not be in contact with them for any reason. If you find their stuff after the fact, throw it in a box out of sight (or throw it away). If they try to contact you, ignore them.
Delete or pause your EX on social media as it may allow you to repeat harmful thoughts of either wondering what they are up to OR subconsciously posting for them to see what you’re up to.
Create heathy distractions
If you are feeling like contacting them, write what you want to say in a letter or email then send it to yourself, to a friend or don’t send it at all.
Keep a list with you of the positive aspects of the break up and read them if you need to distract yourself.
Join an online community, such as r/BreakUps
The goal with no contact is you need to clear your head. Your thoughts and desires are fed by repetition and emotions. If you keep thinking about the good times, when you’ll get back together, or anything other than your reality of “YOU BROKE UP BECAUSE IT DIDN’T WORK OUT” you will be repeatedly hurting yourself, re-breaking up, and reverting back to square one. Try your best to keep your mind and thoughts on what is best for you, the present, and the beautiful possibilities to come in your future. I am not going to tell you how, when or if you should contact them again. You’ll know and feel what is best for you inside.
“Find Yourself”
Rediscover your true self without them in your life will help your brain repeat what it actually desires without the comfort of the familiar.
I used to hate hearing people say this. My initial thought would be, “well I already know myself and what I want”. Wrong. Your brain is repeating what it knows and wants when you were in a relationship. Now you are not so you need to remind your brain what reality is like today. Not yesterday. You will be surprised how many lies your brain tells you based off beliefs based on your past reality.
Actionable Tactics
We need to remind our brains that we now have a new normal to stop it from repeating beliefs that are applicable to when you were in a relationship. As you do this, you’ll start to realize the things you really want, what makes you really happy, and who you are as an individual.
Observe your thoughts and feelings
Write every thought that comes into your mind and assess what in your past triggered it. Think about what your thoughts are trying to tell you or what needs your brain is trying to get met.
Read about your attachment style, love language, and how to regulate your emotions.
Have fun, do exciting things, and grow with yourself
Hang out with people you genuinely like to spend time with.
Do something new that you always wanted to do but couldn’t do with your EX (for whatever reason).
Do things you all did with your EX with a new friend to help rewrite your old memories.
Use your free time to improve things about yourself, such as exercising, reading, or learning a new skill.
The goal in “finding yourself” is not to look good for them, be better for them, or activate a comeback. It is to help your brain make new beliefs based on your current reality. It will help you find out who you really are without that person in your life. Make sure to think deeply about why you are doing what you are doing to find yourself. It must be for YOU and you only: not to feed your EX’s perception of you. Before you act, think “why am I really doing this?” or “why do I really want this?”.
Self-exploration is an endless journey. Keep reading, writing, and learning about yourself because it will change drastically over time.
Everyday is the first day of the rest of your life
It can be very challenging to move forward after a parting ways with someone you expended a lot of time and emotional energy on. It can be especially heart-wrenching to try every trick in the book to heal and still feel that emptiness.
You have remember that there is a beautiful life waiting for you in the future. The faster you accept your new reality and heal from your past, the faster you will open your eyes to the abundance of positive experiences to come.
The most important thing to remember is that your life is today. Repeated. Focus on the actionable steps you can take towards your healing that works for YOU! Pay attention to the feelings, thoughts, and actions that make you feel whole. Finding the small things that make you feel happy and full can be truly transformative. Find that healthy groove in learning about your needs and stay mindful of the present — this is the secret to healing.
Rinse & repeat!
My Personal Mantra: Everyday is a new day to be better and no one knows you more than you know yourself.
